Current mood:

thoughtful

sober thanksgiving
Hey.
I'm going to visit my mother today for the first time in about 11 months.
She now has six months of sobriety, a new age dawning.
I've been alive 30 years now (almost ;)) and this is the longest stretch shes done.
I'm used to her ruining the holidays in one way or another.
So I am of course braced for that.
My mind is a coiled spring, waiting for the first sign of trouble.
I've recently made known to my family the distance they've created.
It was a hard thing to face, but it had to be done.
My blood with them has always run thin,
because i was the secret no one wanted to speak.
I was never treated like anyone's child,
a ward of the state until I was 18.
They had to pay my family to take care of me.
I knew as a child, because my expenses were pointed out to me in that manner.
"We got 110 dollars for you this month, so we can go school shopping for you now"
They didn't know how much that hurt.
They never will understand.
It only comes up now because with my mothers sobriety comes realizations.
She begs for forgiveness that shes always had.
She sees with clean eyes how I grew up, how I had to.
She tells me hiding from me is part of the reason she could never stay clean.
Hiding from herself.
She was always mother, never a parent.
I am glad she's helping herself.
Living on her own now.
She has many moons to mend many wounds.
Peace for dreams.